TheSahmmy

1. the moment i realized the song “Too Close” by Next is about a spontaneous hard on on the dance floor and announced that discovery in an unfamiliar crowd during my 6am boxing class.  

2. the moment i yelled “OH MY GOD!!!” when a 4yr old girl threw all four bags into the corn hole net during Donuts for Dads this morning. it is a Presbyterian Pre-School. Hubby said he heard me across the gym at the donut table. in my defense, i ran that game all morning and she was the only kid who did that. i was pretty fucking darn excited for her.

3. the moment i let a little girl pet Crazy Ass on our walk which caused her to scream bloody murder in sadness when we continued our walk. i could hear her tantrum for the next 1/3 mile. sorry “neighbor”.

After reading Mammalingo yesterday I know I’m not alone in my frustration.

The little TV I watch insults my intelligence.

I’m watching The Voice and I get pummeled by The Lorax commercials and in one Lorax commercial, I get a Mazda commercial; it’s like a Russian nesting doll. And I’m sure Dr. Seuss is roll-oozing in his grave-oozing.

Husband was watching the rain at Daytona and Lenny Kravitz was playing the opening concert. Because when you think NASCAR, you think Lenny Kravitz? No, because when you think Lenny Kravitz, you think Hunger Games. Out March 23. 

And why is J Lo at the Oscars? Because she is on Idol. Why is Miley Cyrus there? Because she is fucking The Hunger Games star.

Award shows are so boring now. You can take attendance and the constant inside jokes with Clooney and Brad and Angelina et al become nauseating. I feel dirty by association. And who gives a shit? Who. Gives. A. Shit? There are kids dying in Ohio, there are families living out of their cars but Good Morning America has three “experts” discussing Angelina’s right leg. The. Fuck.

I’m about unplug from everything and to move to Franconia.

discoballdad replied to your post: In hopes of cheering up Discoballdad Despite my…

I completely hear what you are saying and think it’s great. It just sucks that it has to happen at all. I’m not a gender neutral parent-my guy is all boy, but there is constant reinforcement of this in everything around us. That’s what gets to me.

Yes, Disco, as a mom of girls I get just as upset. Like promo pics like this where the men are in power suits and the women are positioned sex kittens: either close to undressing the man or close to lifting their skirts to show their hoohoo. There are countless negative messages out there that flood their little minds all damn day. It’s exhausting.

In hopes of cheering up Discoballdad

Despite my gender neutralizing efforts at home, I have been blessed/challenged with an extremely “girly’ child, one who is IN LOVE with being a girl. She actually feels sorry for boys because 1. they are not girls and 2. are not able to “BE” girls. She loves darkish pink, Princesses, Barbie.com, Fancy Nancy, dresses, and will not leave the house without putting on lip gloss. 

I desperately want her to broaden her horizons.  Then one of her friend’s moms suggested Lego Friends as a birthday gift for her daughter last weekend.  I had no idea they existed. As CD and I stood in Target deciding what to get, it was obvious that she had discovered nirvana.

Rafael on the other hand is a traditional Lego chick. She has a Harry Potter Legos and a monster tub of plain Legos. She plays with them often, mainly building cars, but China Doll has never displayed an interest. But when her Nana sent Valentine money, she asked to spend it on Lego Friends. 

This girly product has bridged the gap between China Doll and Rafael. They’ve been playing it for hours. They even have a TV channel “Lego LACE” and take commercial breaks so they can go to the bathroom.  They sit elbow to elbow and role play with Stephanie, her brother Draco and the robots Rafael built. They make experiments in the lab and cupcakes in the outdoor bakery. This morning they built a tree house together from a combo of traditional and kit Legos.    

And today more have joined the party: squinkies, Spiderman, Lalaloopy minis, …no matter the intended target audience, are welcome at Lego Lace Land. 

This is the reason I didn’t have Valentine margaritas last night. I knew this board was waiting for me at 6am. 

I finished it. And in under an hour. 

My challenge to all you Tumblebunnies who like me are trying to turn this shit around is for you to do this…

and when you do, let me know or post it. 

Translation:

100 Jumping Jacks/Bag Pushes/Flutter Kicks (on back, feet 6inches off floor, flutter kick)

90 Mountain Climbers/Tricep Dips/Bicycle sit ups

80 High Knees/Kettle Bell Swings/Ab Crunches

70 Skaters/Standing Shadow Box with 5lb weights/Mountain Climbers Twist (opposite knee to elbow)

60 Squat Jumps/Shoulder Press/American Twist Sit ups with Medicine Ball

50 Quick Lunges/Wide Grip Pushups/ Standard Sit Ups

30 Heisman/Alterate Squat Press w/ kettle bells/Alternate Toe Touch Sit Ups

20 Star Jumps/Medium Grip Pushups (or tricep push ups)/Side Plank rows with kettle bell or 5lb weight

10 Man Maker/ Suicides (or .5 mile jog or other cardio

 

Come on LazyDad.

Many years ago on a Valentine’s Day….

I was casually dating two guys. Had maybe gone on three dates (3Date) with one and two with the other (2Date), if you count getting a drink in a bar after a show a date. 2Date called me to meet for a lunch: “How about Tuesday, the 14^th?” he said. I agreed. Then I started to panic a bit. Not sure if we were in Valentine’s Date territory yet. So I burned a CD and put it in my purse just in case. 

I walk in the restaurant, spot him and join him at a table by a window. A gorgeous LA day; people were passing by carrying flowers, couples were arm in arm heading to romantic lunches. 

Waitress: Hi, Happy Valentine’s Day.

Him: Yeah! I guess it is!

(she puts down our waters and leaves)

Him: (forcing a laugh): I had no idea it was Valentine’s Day, did you?

Me: I had a clue. 

I had parked just ahead of his car and to get to the restaurant I, and subsequently he, had to walk past a florist. Three, older, exhausted Asian women were sitting on chairs smoking in the back, their fingers dyed green from cutting so many flowers. Noticing them I almost tripped into the enormous sidewalk placard advertising their VALENTINE SALE 9.99 DOZEN! And come on, when he called and specifically asked for “Tuesday the 14^th” he had to be looking at a calendar and as we all know every fucking calendar marks Valentine’s Day. 

Waitress returns. 

Waitress: So, do you have big plans for today?

Him: No! Not at all! Just, you know, sit at home. You know. (he looks at me) You? 

Me: I have plans and winked at the waitress. (I didn’t, but fuck him)

He then spent the rest of the lunch awkwardly flirting with the waitress to completely convince me that this was NOT a VDay date. 

Longest lunch ever. That night at work [I was Girl Friday at an editing house and we were working on the Oscars at the time 3Date was someone who worked the day shift.] a girl knocks on the outside door to be let in. I answer and ask who she is, etc.

Her: Well, I wanted to surprise *3Date* and decorate his office. 

It was 3Date’s ex and she decided that today- Valentine’s Day-she wanted to make the grand gesture for reconciliation.

Me: Come on in. 

I welcomed her because her entrance was the most perfect way to heighten the sitcom that was my day. I couldn’t have written a better episode. And the soundtrack? I listened to that CD for years.

when you realize you haven’t worn your retainer in 3 days….

followed by the moment you realize you are 40 and still have pimples and a retainer. 

crazyprof:

I’ve been waiting for 10 years for this moment…

Holding MY baby for the first time…

this is my good friend. through all her ups and downs of trying to have a baby on her own i always felt there was a special baby out there, just waiting for the right time to come into her life. 

this picture beautifully captures the emotional history of this moment. i’m so happy for her and so excited to follow her on this journey. 

congrats isn’t the word, they haven’t come up with the word yet. xoxo

so CD is Starfish tomorrow (code for mom is snack bitch) and the theme is “dinosaurs”. 

CD informed me that Wednesday’s snack bitch created little sacks of pretzels, goldfish and dino-gummies so the kids could ‘dig’ for dinosaurs. 

OH REEEEAAAAAALLLLY? i see how you are. 

dino cheese sandwiches. it was going to be homemade bread but New Dog got up on the counter and ate the entire loaf when i ran upstairs for something….but i didn’t let that stop me. 

and i baked the scraps for bread crumbs for tomorrow’s crock pot turkey meatloaf. 

(yes, the 28 yr old me would be calling me pathetic right now. but i would flip her off)