TheSahmmy

B.S. in Parenting

Freshman year of college, I went to a local junior college and lived with my parents. For Spring Break they drug me along on their vacation to Biloxi, MS. We were in a small curio shop and my mom and her friends started chatting with the owner, a 60 year old woman with a gravely voice. She asked my mom if I was in college. “The only thing college taught me was how to smoke,” she said. I laughed harder than I expected because for months my buddy and I had been drinking peach schnapps and 7up and sneaking Winstons in the attic of our house.

I spent the next three years at a university studying and partying and praying the one didn’t affect the other too much. For twenty years, I have used my degree to land various jobs; now I am a stay at home mom. Like Benjamin Braddock, I could question what all that college was for, but my college experiences have taught me more about being effective in parenting than I realize.

Firstly, I still use outlines. As a mom, I don’t have enough time for complete thoughts.

Staying up late-lacking sleep
- I haven’t slept for 6 years. This is exactly how I spent 4 years of college and 2 years of grad school.
Taking care of drunk friends
- Let’s just say having a baby wasn’t the first time I got pee’d or thrown up on or was forced to clean the soiled clothes of an incapacitated being.
Majoring in marketing
- Know your target audience and what motivates them
  - China Doll: princess, make up, jewelry, dark pink, Barbie, Aurora
    - i.e. “Time to go to the doctor. They might have a new Aurora book. You can wear my lip gloss!”
  - Rafael: warrior, baby animals, purple, art, glue, recycle
    - i.e. “Let’s go to the store- with our new recycled bags! We are like Earth Warriors! Think of all the animals we are saving!”
Social chair of my sorority
- As a parent it is necessary to invent, organize and manage fun. I’m even better at this sober.
- Bussing a bunch of young, drunk couples to a bowling date party was much more stressful than taking my kids to Disneyland.
Making no money go really far
- I used to stretch a $50 budget over a month. I still have that mindset.
- I apply lessons from advertising class to upsell leftovers.
Bartending
- The real octomom: being able to mix two different martinis at the same time while opening beers, taking bills and lighting cigarettes requires the same ambidextrous skill as nursing a baby, feeding a toddler and cooking for a husband.
- I make killer margaritas for my in-laws.
Thrifting
- Thrifting during and after college taught me it is really stupid to pay full price for jeans. It is ludicrous to pay full price for toddler jeans.
- Knowing my way around a thrift store means finding Barbie campers for 5 bucks instead of over 200 online.
Ramen noodle soup
- My college and bachelorette life mainstay is still cheap, quick and delicious.
- Remarketed as “Kung Fu Panda” soup, it is Rafael’s favorite lunch accessory.